MY MIND TODAY 11/30/09

THIS POST IS NOT INTENDED FOR MY FOLLOWERS WHO CARE.

Today is bad, the way I feel fuck all you mother fuckers who dont want to hear what i have to say, or what i care about. At least I not a spine less bastard who is scared of the goverment or anyone else. Censor me i dont care, i will still be heard weather or not you care or not, if you dont care fuck off and find somewhere else to live, CLEAR MY SITES , MY BLOGS , AND ANYTHING ELSE YOU THINK ISNT TRUE. I dont lie I tell the truth and if the truth hurts to fuckin bad, deal with it. I will not lay down and be run over again and again by all you spine less mother fuckers of this world. You dumb ass mother fuckers with all your money and power take this BLOG and shove it up your fucking ass, your the reason I m writing this blog cause you dumb asses think you are all that and more. All you goverment people encluding OBAMA eat me, you motherfuckers give yourself raises when ever you want and then dont give it to the ones who need it. In stead you are more concerned about a fucking war you can not win and will not. YOU STUPID BASTARDS CANT EVEN TAKE CARE OF YOUR OWN COUNTRY OR ITS PEOPLE SO HOW THE FUCK YOU THINK YOU CAN TAKE CARE OF SOME ONE ELSES COUNRTY. YOU STUPID MOTHER FUCKERS GROW UP DO WHAT WE PUT YOU THERE FOR TO TAKE CARE OF ARE WELL BEING NOT SOME OTHER COUNTRIES. LOOK STUPIDS JUST LOOK AT ARE FUCKIN WORLD HERE IN THE UNITED STATES IS IT ACTUALLY ANY BETTER THAN AFRICA, RUSSIA , CHINA, AND IF SO MOTHER FUCKERS HOW IS IT BETTER. TELL ME I DYING TO KNOW ALL YOU HIGH PAYED DUMB ASS I HAVE A FUCKIN "G.E.D." AND I M SMARTER THAN YOU DUMB ASS PEOPLE. oh what is the use all people just blow right by and dont give a fuck about what is happening here in the "u.s.a." what ever the fuck that means. for all you non followers who dont have a fucking clue what me and 20 million others are fucking talkin about just keep living your life the way your masters want you to, oh yeah while your at it bend over so they can FUCK YOU IN YOUR ASS LIKE THEY DO EVERY FUCKIN DAY OF YOUR SPINE LESS, NO CARE, SCARED WORLD. yes that right I m a mad mother fucker to day and I m holding nothing back tired of being told quit bitchin shut up get a life, well cry me a fuckin river, some boby has to do it you stupid mother fuckers of this world sure arent going to go against your masters"SCARED LITTLE BITCHES". better yet wont you come shut me up if your not scared your to scared to say anything to your masters so lets see if you will try. yes google go head take this blog take everything I have just like your own masters want you to hide the truth, lie for them just like they want. I dont care you wont silence me or the others who hold the actuall truth and not all these fuckin lie you hear on the fuckin so called news.

Yeah the news when is it ever the fuckin truth , some one please tell me, if I m a person who voilates the law then what the fuck are you and all the leaders of this world, when every fuckin word that come out of your mouth is a FUCKING LIE and when do they ever tell the truth. oh you fuckin cenoring bastards are just scared of the real truth and how bad it might hurt you and your fat ass fuckin wallet paded by all your fuckin lies.

SO FUCK ALL YOU SPINLESS BASTARDS OF THIS WORLD !!!!!

CRYSTAL METH

CRYSTAL METH

Hi everyone, this post will tell the effects of meth and its toll it took on my mind, family and friends please bare with me this post could be very long. Well it has been years since I ve done any meth or to speak of the monster. I m 35 now and it just hit me today how meth effected my mind when my 9 year old brought home a school project and it is a time line of her life to date. Well for most of the normal world this would be very easy, but for me not so easy, I tried to think of when she first walked or even yet what her first word was and all I do is draw a blank. Yes this is very sad to me, it should be easy, it has not been that long, it should be like yesterday, well maybe for some, but when the mind is wacked out on this little lady (CRYSTAL METH) the days or memories are just a blur, and it does hurt to think what the hell was i thinking I missed a big part of there life and I know first hand how it feels not to have a parent in your life or one that cares anyway, I had a parent not care about me, actually two of them, but god had another plan and gave me a great mother that has stood beside me the the good and the very very ugly, so yes I give him thanks for that. But in trying to remember the past of my children's life there is an empty space and now it is very very real how the effects of this pretty little lady had on my mind. I could go on and on about this , but the real story lies in the effects it is still having years after. I could lie and say it didn't hurt me, my family, and my friends but then I would not be any better than I was back then, so I have to tell the truth and admit that it was all wrong.

I can see now what there life was like and how hard it was on them. This drug is a silent killer everything seems fine until you come down, as you look in the mirror and see your sunk in jaws and them eyes, as if there is no pupil, veins are all sunk into your skin as there is no blood in them, stomach sunk in as if you haven't ate in a few weeks, and your mind, your thoughts blend together as life just blows by as one big blur, you crave, you want, you will get more to feed the beast that grows within, to myself, I look fine, feel fine, but I know the beast wants more. Your world suddenly stops and the search begins. Weather the search is for another fix, or another ounce, the beast will get what it wants at all cost, no matter the cost, you will feed the beast that feeds on this fuel. I at all cost did what I had to do to get the next fix, just to make it through the day. Mean while my kids were put on the back burner to cook in there own little world, while there parents went on there date with CRYSTAL METH, while on this date the parents sold there souls to her, little did they know she was the devil and she was here to control their lives and their world. Meanwhile their family and friends wonder who they are, where have they went, why are they like that, what did I do wrong, are we bad Friends and family, no that is the picture the devil paints as it runs wide open through their lives, The shit makes you lie, cheat, steal, do shit that a normal person wound think two or three times about doing, but to the lost souls of CRYSTAL METH it all seems like the right thing to do. It blinds us to the thing that are most important in are lives, the ones we love, ourselves, you name it she destroys it. To us the ones that sold our souls for her, we believe she is the way and most all of us follow her to the very end and I do mean the very end.

It is sad, very sad, but I wouldn't change a thing at all the hard times were hard, very hard, just not on me but on everyone I come in contact with. I wouldn't change a thing cause the times we had now make me the person I am today, I may be crazier than hell, or sometimes mean as hell but the thing that matters most to me now are my kids and family and I will at all cost protect them as I protected her back then. Some say I m stupid , some tell me to chill out, some say shut up their tired of here me, but I will not be, and should not be, the person I was, I will be the I am today and will stay this person, always on my guard, always quick to defend the ones I love the most. I may have caused a lot of pain and a lot of heart ache but to the ones I have caused the most pain, the ones who actually care for me and my family, I will be there for them when they need me, I will put the pain in the past, and I will be the loratab for that pain. The pain I cause today, tomorrow, next week will only be for the best, as to say the pain to take away a pain. I will cause no harm to the ones I love, I will not let them suffer for no one, and that includes the parents, I will at all cost never let these evil things of this world come between my children, my family and my dear friends.

HAPPY MIND

HEY EVERYONE , sorry been gone for so long but been going through a lot of stuff, I ve been to court court ,we have moved, and we are tring to settle in with all of us. Well we won in court, so all of our minds are very high, full of joy, full of excitement, my mind is very joyous I found people in this world who actually care about are kids and want to help them enjoy there life as kids, Yes my mind played hell for months and months people played hell they heard the thoughts that came with the hell, all didnt want to hear but my mind made them listen( WHAT A WOUNDERFUL THING THE MIND IS !) the ones that heard acted the ones that dont hear did nothing so I send praise to what whats is known as the( light house counseling program ) I wont say any names, but this place is awesome and they do care what is best for our kids beautiful minds and the growth of it. What a blessing they are to there minds and to the familys minds and there mind set, I can honestly say that I give these people my total respect and all that know my mind know that that is something special to do that but I have to give credit where credit is do and the minds says they have unlimted credit, so hats off to the wonderful program they run, and the wonderful people that work there!!

When the mind is happy it is like the best drug in the world, you smile, you laugh, you have a shine like a new star in the universe, and the mind lays joyously in the clouds, for all who know this feeling grasp it and know this is life at its best and it gets no better then this to see your family truly happy as they move about life. But keep in mind the hell you went through to get this shine, and keep in mind it is like the shine on a new car it has to be polished often to keep the scratches out of it and the harder you work to get out the scratches the harder it takes a toll on your mind, but the recovery of getting the scratches out is far better than getting them.

So to all that are freinds and followers thanks cause I didnt do this on my own, It is just my mind and body that felt the oh so deep scratches life put in me but true freinds and followers help get me through it,OOPS, I have to enclude my wonderful family for standing by and letting my beautiful MIND do its thing.

TO ALL THAT SEES I LOVE MY FAMILY AND WILL AT ALL COST PROTECT THEM FROM THE MIND CONTROLERS OF THIS WORLD !!!!

RAW PURE NATURE

SOCIETY

Well Ill start with how much does society play role in are mental well being, I think it plays a big role in are life, your mind has to deal with many things during a days time, from rude

person at the store or the smart ass walking by. With every snicker and every laugh there is

an action in the brain that sends it spinning through thoughts and wondering about what there saying about you. then it starts to take a toll on your self esteem as you lose this you stop

taking care of your self, then your scared to even go out side as the mind slips deeper and deeper into depression the mind loses sight of how beautiful it is.

As this progresses you start to become a loner and stop going around friends afraid of what they really think of you when I leave are they going to talk about me, so you hide your self only to go out to get the food you need to live. At this point the mind feels hopeless and may be even

suicidal at this point it tried everything it can to find an excuse not to do it, during this time one respectful person may save your life just by being nice and complementing on something

about you no matter what it is that could save the mind and get on the road to recovery to its ole self again. I beleive sometimes mental abuse is some times worse physical abuse , why is that physical will go away and mental will never go away and society is just like that some times

and it is hard to handle sometimes but each time you beat it , you get stronger and before you know it you hve become one of them who caused your pain once you realize what you have done it just starts the process all over again, and each time you learn a little more so it becomes easier to beat society at its on game .

good day dirt

BLURRY

Ok, as you go through life sometimes things go so fast that it take everything you got to remember all day to day actions and functions of your life. My problem is I find

myself searching for medicine to slow life down so I can process all the thoughts and happenings of the days. Its hard to write when I m happy cause the mind dont want to relive the past

or the future just in the day it is in. The days past have been good and theyve been real bad. My

mind has been in protect mode, beating it self up for things it feels it has done wrong in the past, it tries to not do as it has been done, and in trying to do so it runs uncontrollable through

life. Days become one so do months and as it tries to process good thoughts from the bad the mind set becomes very very fragile. One stressor of the day sets it off in to a blurry rage

of emotions and it cant process all the thoughts so what happens, it breaks down and does everything without a thought it goes on instinct and lashes out as it has been lashed out against.

pictures

PICTURES

right vs left

Ok I ve spent the past few day fighting with my mind. The right says go ahead piss me off, and the left says chill out take it easy, so I ve spent a lot of time fighting with myself. and not spending it like I should. In doing so I wear my mind completely out to the point I cant think straight. So I try to hide from the world to keep myself safe. Some call it antisocial I call it being safe. Why hide you ask, well at this point I m about to blow a gasket, anyone, body , thing, just plain o pisses me off, thats the right side. Now the left side is the side that trys to calm me and comfort me, tells me its ok and chill out,I wish both sides could just agree and stop fighting it really taks atoll on my mind and my body.

I know what I have to do (cause I get alot of execllent info from my freinds and followers)

the problem is having enough mind strength to do what I have to do, while trying to keep my sanity. This is the part that people dont understand about being bi-polar encluding the doctors they tell you what the books tell them and it is not the same. They call this hearing voices, I say how can it be voices when it comes from my head not my mouth, I dont know all I know is that it wearing me out and they tried everything, and nothing works. I ve told them look I know what works, how do I know this, I ve self medicaded my self for months cause they dont know what the hell is going on, and no not with drugs, but with the drugs they make.

As far as hard drugs so of them work beleive it or not, there just not very healthy, the ones that help are meth and pot, yeah yeah I know what the hell, but they work no I dont do them, But I used to, ok back to my mind. This is hard shit and I wish people could walk awile in my shoes, see if they could handle it. I know I m strong, I just dont know how strong I have to be to make it. TO ALL MY FRIENDS AND FOLLOWERS THANK YOU FOR ALL THE POSITIVE FEED BACK AND HELPFUL COMMENTS.

THANK YOU ALL

GOOD DAY FROM DIRTS MIND

SCARED

Ok my mind has been screwed up for months from anger to depression and back. Through the anxiety might sound easy but combined all the above and it spell destruction. Now keep in mind that the mind remembers every stamp or memory you have can sometimes cause destruction.

Here s what I mean my parents got divorced early in my life and to me it was hell I didnt understand what went wrong . I was upset with mom dad sisters anuts uncles u name it. dad says nothing will change (oh how he lied so much) . Thats the thing it did change and I went through life father less cause the lier, lied through his fckin teeth. He drop what was a good family for some blonde hooker that in my eyes destroyed our family. Now my mind fights for what it didnt have or it should have. It pisses me off cause my mind thinks be a good father to your kids you know what it feels like to have your dad shit on you through out your whole life. And still to this day he is still a peace of shit, but I still Love him and would cry if he died.

As i fight my mind to do what it is right, it wants to be destrutive and destroy things, people, what ever is in my way. Why, I dont know why and noone can tell me all I know is lately all my stamps in life have come to the top and its about to blow. My mind wants to abandon all who love and care about me, on the account it dont want to be hurt anymore, or worry about who will try to attack next. la la la la thats how I feel, crazy , no not really kinda smart cause i ve been there many times and my mind knows this, so its scared of another stamp that may make u snap.

My mind set scared, angry, depressed, full of anxiety, antisocial and very desructive at this time want to drink, smoke, meth, acid anything to make me feel better, remember I used to be an addict so I dont feeling this way at all and it is very hard not to break this promise to my family that I made. So my family, kids, followers or people who care, people who has been where I'm at help me get through the hard times,(sometimes keep in mind it is very very very hard to do cause of my mind set) so please keep commenting and let me know, been there, care, dont care, whatever right. So please take care of your beautiful mind it knows where you have been and knows where your going you just have to follow it as long as it is safe.

goodday from dirts mind

USED ABUSED AND CONFUSED

NOW THE MIND IS VERY BEAUTIFUL THING BUT WHEN ABUSED OVER TIME IT STARTS TO BREAK . TO BE ABUSED AS A CHILD AND THE MIND SET THAT STICKS IN YOUR HEAD ABOUT THAT ABUSE . THE MIND RACES TO FIND A WAY TO COPE IT MAYBE A FREIND IT MAY BE A BOTTLE IT MAY POT , THE MIND FINDS A WAY TO COPE WHETHER IT IS SUPPRESSED OR RIGHT UP FRONT OR TO DROWN IT IN DRUGS THE MIND FINDS AWAWY. NOW THE MIND IS BEING TOLD THAT IT IS THE ABUSER IT STARTS TO CRACK. AS THE BOMB IN UR MIND TRIES TO FIGHT OFF WHAT IT KNOWS ISNT TRUE IT BEGINS TO CRUMBLE NOT LIKE A BUILDING BUT LIKE A BAG HAVE ALL THE AIR SUCKED OUT OF IT AS THE LITE OF THE WORLD STARTS TO FADE SO DOES THE STRENGHTH OF THE MIND START TO FADE. THE STAMPS OF YOUR LIFE START TO FLASH THE PAIN OF THE PAST COMES TO SITE THE RAGE OF THE MIND BEGINS TO BOIL BLOOD TURNS TO FUEL FOR THE MIND. MY MIND IS WACKED, MY WORLD ABOUT TO BE JACKED , I JUST BLACKED OUT . WHEN I FINALLY COME TO IN A STRANGE WORLD WHAT I CALL HELL. THE WORLD CAUSED THIS MESS AND NOW R SCARCED OF WHAT THE HELL BUILT MIND THEY HAVE BUILT. THEY TRY TO SUPPRESS IT WITH DRUGS, DRUGS THAT ONE DAY THEY HOPE TO STOP MY FREIGHT TRAIN MIND. IT PATH NOT SURE ITS PURPOSE CLEAR NOW ALL I HAVE TO DO IS MASTER THE BEAUTIFUL MIND I HAVE. PHDS TRY TO TELL ME WHAT IS WRONG AND WHAT I SHOULD DO MY MIND SAYS THEIR SCARED OF U STOP THEM NOW CONTROLL UR SELF NOT THEM CONTROL YOU. AS THE MIND FIGHTS FOR IT PURPOSE TO PROVE THE WORLD PROJECTS ITS PURPOSE TO U . YOU FIGHT FOR WHAT IS RIGHT THE MIND WILL NEVER LOSE IT IS ALWAYS RUNNING ON THE PURPOSE IT HAS YOU DONT HAVE TO THINK IT DOES IT FOR U , R JOB IS TO SEE ITS PURPOSE AND CARRY IT OUT. DESTRUCTION OF THE MIND STARTS DEEP IT MAY TAKE YEARS IT MAY TAKE A SECOND BUT WHEN IT FINALLY RUNS OUT OF INK FOR ITS STAMPS OF LIFE WE SCRAMBLE TO REASON WHY WE DIDNT LISTEN TO THE ONE THING THAT TRUELY CONTROLS US. GOVERNMENT THINKS I M CRAZY , WHY ? , CAUSE I SAY AND SOMETIMES LOSS CONTROL AND DO WHAT I THEY DONT WANT THAT IS TO LISTEN TO MY MIND AND NOT DO WHAT THEY SAY, MY MIND IS NOT A SLAVE AND NEVER WILL BE, MY STAMPS IN LIFE VERY CLEAR AND VIVID, WHAT THE TEACH IS NOT WHAT MY MIND KNOWS, MY MIND KNOW LIFE AND HOW THIS LIFE IS, ITS NOT MY FAULT THEY THINK IM STUPID LITTLE DO THEY KNOW I M SMARTER THAN THEY WILL EVER BE, THE MIND IS A BEAUTIFUL THING DONT WASTE IT, LET IT BE FREE, LET IT RUN WILD , LOVE UR MIND FOR WHO IT IS NOT WHAT THEY TELL U IT IS, THE MIND WILL LET U KNOW WHEN IT HAS HAD ENOUGH, AND IT IS TIME TO REST, MY MIND CALLS FOR ITS DAILY MEDS NO PILLS NO DRUGS JUST GOING FOR A HIKE MILES IN THE WOODS LAYING DOWN ON THE GROUNG IN GODS COUNTRY AND FULFULLING THE FREEDOM THE MIND SEEKS. WHILE I LAY ON THE LEAVES STICKS WHAT EVER IS UNDERNEATH ME NATURE PULLS THE MIND OUT AND AS IT FLYS AROUND THE FREEDOM OF NATURE THE BODY OF ITS SLAVE LIES LIFE LESS FREE OF ANY STAMPS OF LIFE THE MIND SLOWLY REFUELS ITS SELF FOR ANOTHER STAMP OF LIFE .. FOR ALL THAT KNOW WHAT I SPEAK OF BE KIND DONT REWIND , NEVER LOSE SIGHT OF TOMMROW ...... GOOODDAY FROM DIRTS MIND

GROWING UP

It starts at birth weather it a tramatic birth or not life its self is tramatic and every event in your life effects your mind and i mean every. U may not see this until later in life but be prepared and take note through your life cause everything you hear see touch taste dream is stamped a part of life. yes I think life is planed in advance of birth but the trick is to under stand that plan. In my mind the events that have occured are what Im supposed to see and learn from and one day pass the experience on to the next generation. To me you dont have to go to college to get your masters in life as long as you learn from every experience tramatic or not and use that for everyday life thats the plan as i see it and i ll try to explain as i go. To be abused as a todler or abused as an adult some may say there all the same in a way thats true the difference to me is as a toddler u remember very young as it is stamped in your mind and as you go along it flashes back as the plan unfolds some of us are mentaly strong enough to with stand it and some not, strong may struggle but they will survive the problem in this life is when we know we need help where is the help where is the people that have been where we r today.they r blind to there life and dont see it in color neither do they see the shapes of life, it is very blured and destorted, the plan of theres is sent back to the drawing board and is planed into our to help the next with theres. The distance between you and your mother and father play a very major role, and it affects the mind very bloutly and like a ton of bricks, from anger to depression to the loss of feeling in the sole its very brutal on the mind and these experiences are the school of life, and the mind will always see these stamps the trick is to master these experiences and pass them on but people are so blind of this, they think a book can tell u this. These experiences have a lot of color and lots of shape, we that see this are sometimes deemed as crazy and they want to surpess with medicine and drugs intsead of seeing the real us and under standing our experiences in life and each are different and colorful. I beleive there is sombody in this world we are mentaly connected to those r the ones who know the real soles of our lives, and sees the real us they stick beside us though the worst of times, and i do mean the worst, yes they stay even through the rage that these experiences bring , I could start at the begining, but I choose to start at the what i call 40% mark in my life, this is my mental connect point in my life, where i have found a very wonderful woman whose stamp on my life has opened my eyes to the world of life and the value it brings, not to brag , or not to boast, but it is the truth, shes been through smialar experiences in life so the connection is very close, mental state plays plays a important role, in this . I grasp life so tight that I squeeze life out of life , and and it effects everyone in tow, as these flashs flash at every option they get in life these flashes may cause severe rage in some cases cause we feel were back in time again so we panic and the rage runs wild through our mind as we search for a anwser to the experience in our life, weather we been there before or there now the mind some may panic and become very depressive, very angry, very grumbling, thoughts become uncontrolable the mind races to process the thoughts this could happen for days as the mind wears down the sole of u losses sight of the importants of life, thats when you have to realize the meaning of it and embrace it,master it to get the true meaning of life thats the fight we fight everyday of or planed life.